A Perfect View from the High Ground

Luvvies, be glad you’re a Plebian. Be glad of your nameless, faceless anonymity and prey to your God that if you ever excel at something, you are blessed along the way with copious quantities of political acumen, decorum, diplomacy, professionalism, and tact. Don’t for one minute think that any thing less than tee-totalling sobriety and finishing school etiquette is good enough for the public and their attack dogs, the unmuzzled and shameless media. For if you stumble on the path to greatness, if you show any sign of humanity or weakness, don’t worry about God striking you down, it will be a mobile phone camera or TV camera that smotes thee.

Gone are the days of 15 minutes of fame. For our people in the public eye, any showing of humanity will likely result in 15 lashes of shame. Take our latest star to collide with the black hole of moral perfectionism, a young swimmer, who in a moment of elation, referred to an opposing national football team as a “bundle of twigs”. For a “bundle of twigs” or “dish of liver, chopped, seasoned and baked” is what a “faggot” is according to my Concise Oxford Dictionary. Oh, I hear you retort, but language is fluid and changes, and adopts new meanings according to contemporary mores of the day. Moors of the day seems far more appropriate, a stinking, squalid cesspit of moral hypocrisy that only those with wings or the ability to walk on water should attempt to enter. Stay on your lounge luvvies, do not venture outside lest you fall into the moral moors of polite civility.

Our other contemporary contender to vie for the prize of perfect imperfect human is, wait for it, a footballer. I for one am highly surprised that a footballer would get drunk and run around naked. Fancy that. It’s never happened before. Footballers are generally known for their sobriety and straight-laced behaviour, never ones to venture outside the boundaries of social etiquette values formulated in the 17th century and somehow still stuck there. Footballer, you stand accused of having a life, of daring to be daring and provide some comic relief to the tawdry and tedious monotony of straight-jacketed slavery. Don’t plead your innocence, you are guilty until proven more guilty.

Don’t you know it’s all about the kiddies. Don’t you know you are a role model for the kiddies and their young impressionable brains. These kiddies live in parental vacuums, where there is no responsible adult carer to explain the workings of our diverse world. These kids, the ones taking photos of you being stupid or reading your tweets written in what can only be called a momentary brain snap, are shocked and horrified at your humanity. Well they weren’t until the tut tut brigade known as the morality police told them they should be. They were rolling around laughing and debating the merits of mobile phone cameras in the playground. They are paragons of virtue, corruptible only by your stupidity.

So here is a guide to what’s ok and what’s not ok, lest there be further confusion. A guide to media survival if you will.

It’s ok to send and receive photos via email of mentally ill, homeless, naked, men pissing in the gutter in front of a police station. It’s not ok for sports players to run around naked at a party or piss anywhere other than an approved pissing station, generally known as a toilet.

It’s ok to gay if you acknowledge your are gay. It’s not ok to be gay if you have a family and claim to heterosexual. It’s not ok to use any word or do anything that could hurt the feelings of gay people, or any minority. It’s all about feelings luvvies, and the idea of hardening up to meet the ecological paradigm of survival of the fittest is long dead, buried and cremated.

It’s ok to watch group sex on the internet. It’s ok to participate in group sex if everyone is a consenting adult or you are a porn actor. It’s not ok to watch and participate in group sex is you are a footballer. It’s not ok to have participated in group sex once the story gets out seven years later and one of the participants feels humiliated by the revelation.

It’s ok to infer the black people are probably drunk, if the black people in question are your brothers because you are also black. It’s not ok to infer that black people are probably drunk if you are not black. You are a racist.

It’s ok to call women bitches if you are a woman. It’s not if you are not a woman. You are a misogynist.

It’s never ok to slag off Islam. If you are not of Islamic persuasion you are an infidel, you should be blown up. They’ll tell you that.

It’s not ok to use your democratic right to freedom of speech if you are angry and your angry words incite hatred. It’s ok to drop bombs on people you hate if you are the President of the USA.

There’s a time and a place for everything luvvies. Gather all the pent up energy, go to the little room and let it all out. Do not do or say anything in public without first putting on a morality muzzle and a straight-jacket. Do not drink. Never mind that alcohol was invented and continues to be used because it creates an altered mental state. Just have one drink. One drink won’t get you tipsy. If you are only going to have one drink, it may as well be water.

Do not do drugs unless you have a prescription for those drugs. Don’t mix prescription drugs with mind altering energy drinks. That will alter your mind and that's dangerous. Just don’t have a life unless you consider the life of a monk to be the thing for you. And for goodness sake, don’t be human, don’t have weakness.

It’s not ok to compromise people’s privacy. It is ok to compromise people’s privacy if you are the media, the government, or if it’s in public interest, and boy, the public are interested in anything and everything. So your privacy is a sham. You are not allowed to say that as it might incite hatred against the government or the media who will then invade your privacy to see what other dissenting ideas you have.

So that’s about it. If you are going to be good at something, get yourself an agent and have them by your side 24/7.