My Name is Hurl

Like any good god botherer when I die I want to go to that place in the sky over-run with vestal virgins, preferably some with slightly sapphic tendencies. Over the years I’ve been utterly selfish, like any blogger, and thoroughly enjoyed sledging just about everybody. So without talking about pharmaceutically enhanced karmic payback, I feel obliged to compile a “Make It Right” list, lest those buxom virgins be but a mirage floating away from me on another cloud. Don’t mind that the devil took my soul as payback long time ago, I’ve been in a living hell for some time now so any change of animate state can only be upwards trending.

Firstly I have to get right with the aliens from Xenu, Tom, and every other Thetan working through their 5 zillion hours of community service on the treadmill known as the never-ending bridge. Maybe I don’t have to get right with them. When their lawyers come a knocking I’ll know I’ve upset them. Anyway Senator Nick’s gonna grab you by your general ledger and run his ruler into places where the sun never shines – your community service register. So send me your money and Uncle Fricken Ozzy will save you from a fate worse than the Tax Man and I’ll give you some good advice on how to re-engineer the brand to keep the cashola rolling in. Keep up the good work my children – just give me a cut.

Next I have to make things right with every bloody lefty luvvie, Trotskysist, latte drinker and other num-nutted socialist pancake brain. Don’t ask me how I’ll ever pull this off. Ok I’ll stick a sock in Bob Katter’s mouth but that’s all I’ll do for you. Sorry Bob, take one for the team please.

I should probably include the Labor party in with those who suffer my general lefty bashing. But even Lenin acknowledged that the Australian Labor Party isn’t left wing but an allegedly liberal capitalist party. Backing capitalists is sensible because someone has to create jobs for the workers. Pity the capitalists don’t like you very much because the ALP is full of all those graduate lefty university student union types who never actually graduated. As Keating and Hawke demonstrated, if you stick to the liberal capitalist agenda, not only will you be popular, you’ll implement good policy. You also need to know something about economics, and while I’ll admit, that Scientology makes more sense than economics and shrapnel wounds are less painful than economics lectures, some bunny on the team has to know about it. And because you are so hopeless, we, me, had to put up with 12 years of John Howard. That’s all your fault. The only way I can make things right with you is to forgive you your sins. Give me Kate’s phone number and I’ll think about it.

Then there’s Bob Brown, his green greens and the adoring band of rent a filthy hippy feral brigade. I’m going to need some help on working out how to make things right with you lot. While I’m thinking about it, go and get a real job, one that doesn’t involve hanging off the taxpayer teat or a coal loading terminal. I know. I’ll buy you all candles seeing as how you like living in the dark.

Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm. How was the re-union with Rodney? Is your approval rating into double digits yet? Honestly, you’d make a great Prime Minister. New Zealand has an opening. You’ll make the next boat if you hurry.

Next I have to make things right with the Conservatives, who call themselves liberal, which is forgivable only because I love irony so much. I backed Tony for the leadership only because he was the only one of you who could string a sentence together even with his foot in his mouth. Malcolm of course, should be leader, but Australia isn’t ready for a liberal capitalist agenda that doesn’t come from Labor. You lot had your chance in the sun but flew to close and like Icarus, are now doomed to spend you days wondering when the fall will stop. The way to make it right with you lot is to buy you outright and show you the way. It’s on the agenda so stay tuned.

Of course I should apologise to the conservatives but it’s hard to get air-time when Greg Sheridan is so busy apologising for them. Greg just needs a big cuddle to learn that love, peace and communication are damn fine conflict resolution tools. Although giving man-hugs will never be a part of my skill set, just say the word Greg and I’ll send you $150 so you can toddle off to Kings Cross and buy one.

Kicking the big end of town, especially the big end of Uncle Sam, is one of the few joys of life. They can look after themselves, with their private spy agencies, private military firms, huge profits and political donations. I can only make things right with big ugly corporations by controlling and/or owning them and showing them there is more money in peace and luvvy duvvy capitalism. Well except for arms manufacturers. Maybe think about moving into prosthetics, after all, it’s a market you’ve created.

Southerner bashing. What is it about me-centric, southern-centric, southerners that makes these people likeable yet so vile? They honestly believe it’s a great place, even after they’ve trashed it and are preparing to walk away from it. Wake up! You lot are dinosaurs and need to get out more. Which states bring in the money? Which states are close to the Asian markets of 3 billion consumers? What continents are you southerners close to? Antarctica, and an even more desolate place, Noo Zilland. Southerners are the problem. They are problem-centric, never solution-centric. They believe the words of scientists are gospel. Idiots! Just tell a scientist what conclusion you want, and let them design the experimental process and data collection to get the result you want. Simple. But not for you mob. Nothing is ever simple. Not even a grand final. Fucking hopeless. Southerners believe in high taxation of the middle class to pay for middle class welfare and it all goes down hill from there. The only way I can make it right with you lot is to erect the bogan-proof fence, get Queensland, the Northern Territory and Western Australia to form an alliance, succeed from the commonwealth, and show you blinkered bastards the way forward. Our grass is greener. Always has been, always will be. Why? Because you southerners don’t live here. I’ll start to make it right with you mob by giving you some friendly advice. Harden the fuck up.

Kevin. My favourite. I’m going to send a nice polite letter to the Bureau of Metereology and ask them to name the next cyclone after you. Although it’s a bit late for that considering the trail of destruction you left behind. How is life as a slow moving depression? I’ll make it right with you by showing up at the U.N. next time you give a speech so you’re talking to at least one person, even if I’m not listening. Although I think you should apologise to the families of the people you killed, and whose houses you burnt down with your crazy insulation scheme. I’ve already made things right with you by not calling for you to be burnt at the stake.

Although I’ve resisted bashing Collingwood for as long as possible, I have lashed out in recent weeks. But I’m on safe ground. It must be hard for your average Collingwood supporter finding someone who owns a computer, and can read. They’ll never know.

Not a chance. I never bash fundamentalist Islam. Why would I? They got the marketing off to a good start with a promise of 72 virgins and paradise the moment I cash in my chips. Superb. But pity about their attitude towards women. Fancy going through life having the only experience with orgasms being the ones you get to gargle. I wouldn’t like to be an Islamic woman even if they can cause earthquakes. Plus I don’t like beards, filthy dirt traps they are. And stoning is just a tad too primitive even by my standards. Preying five times a day to something other than pussy just isn’t right for me, although if they swap their prophet centre from Mohammed to Linda Lovelace and put the fun back into fun da mental, I might consider joining up.

And there’s no point giving generation Y an earful. That’d hurt their feelings, result in endless counselling sessions and a Facebook hate page. I’ll keep it right with gen Y by continuing to ignore them.

Even though I’ve never sledged the Semites, I’ll make it right with you in case I ever do. I’ve always wondered why the Jews were hated so much. Envy? Jealously? Usery? Settlements? Whiny whinging poor bugger me, I’m so rich but no one loves me? Bad dress sense and outrageous hair styles? So many options to choose from and all so pathetic. Does anti-semitism say more about jews or the anti-semites? Judging by the shit-fest that is the Middle East, I’d say both. Of course it’s only the ruling class who have a problem with each other. Normal people just like to get along. Anyway, I’ve been to so many cathedrals in Europe and the sum total entry cost to these magnificent, inspiring, awesome works of art and architecture is about 20 Euro or about 1 euro (donation) per cathedral. It cost me 20 euro just to get into one Synagogue in Prague. And what was in there? An empty room with white washed walls and a sign on a wall saying all the good stuff is locked up in the cellar. Hmmmm. By the way, Hitler comes in at number 3 on the all time mass murderer achievement list well behind Stalin (20-42 million), and Mao Zedong (20 million) although slightly ahead of Pol Pot (2 million). Build a bridge folks. And learn to share, something you seem to struggle with.

Well luvvies, that’s about it now for making things right for now. I’ll go and offend some more people just so I can make it right with them afterwards. X x